When I'm Comatose

[tigrflye]

I'm back with a few comments:

In dreams, I made you high--I'm not a fan of an in dreams lead in. I think the title sort of gets you there. I think if you just led with "I made you high it would play off the title better. Nice line break though. If you show throughout that this is a dream there is no need to lead with the words.
on me. A dizzy cloud
infused your eyes, and I
was powerful and proud--don't think you need the line, just have the action below show the traits.
to tug your strings at whim.--This sort of reminds me of an old Berlin song that I used to listen to. I like the image
With philter full, I forgot--again effective line break
the rules and lit within--very nice break again. I like the diction as well
your loins a passion hot,
unchecked with no apologies.
I ravaged you with teeth
and tenderness so thoroughly,
I slept away the week.--nice ending line

I don't want to go to far in this forum, but those are my initial thoughts.

Best,

Todd

We can go as far as you'd like, or move me to serious if it's good enough. I feel "show-off"y posting there, cuz I am Novice.

Would you prefer I start with..

Again, I made you high
on me...

---

I ravaged you with teeth
and tenderness so thoroughly,

My favorite line.

Thank you. That's good to know.
-Jenn