Lake Song - revised

[tectak]

Thankyou all so much for these wonderful comments! I'm going to start working on a new edit in which I prune down the gimmicky repetitive structures. I'm also going to get rid of the unnecessary contradictions, although I'd still defend the first 'but still'. In my mind, it is important because it recognizes the fear of mortality and contrasts it with the fact of being 'in the moment.' That 'but' is meant to contrast these opposing flux of dying/being, leaving/returning, future/present, etc. Or more concisely, 'you'll die, but here we are.' Does that make any sense in the context?
I also have to confess that in many ways, I'm aiming for a 'breakdown of sense.' I love the point when a poem breaks through the tangible surface of language, so I'll probably keep some of the more extreme phrasing.
I really appreciate the edits and the encouragement though. Cheers everyone!

You would do well to tell us when you are writing nonsense so that we do not crit it unfairly
Best,
tectak ( always quivered, cheers boarded, off by trembling slender)