When I'm Comatose

[tigrflye]

Todd - yes, of course! And swing back by anytime with comments


Nihil - thank you for the feedback. You want some of what I'm smoking? Sure, Ill share!
"The bong was a cock and a love potion.
You were the house of my soul. 
We all melded together in oneness." - um, yes, pretty much.

Hi tigr,
I like the shorn n sweet simplicity of this one.
Not much comment except the one line

In dreams, I made you high
on me. A dizzy cloud
infused your eyes, and I
was powerful and proud
to tug your strings at whim. I don't think the poem would loose anything if you cut this whole line. It feel a little cliched and for my read does not add to the image...in fact it actually is distracting, because i am then thinking what those strings might be, where as the rest of the poem reads as a fast n straight ball of sexual empowerment and desire.
With philter full, I forgot
the rules and lit within
your loins a passion hot,
unchecked with no apologies.
I ravaged you with teeth
and tenderness so thoroughly,
I slept away the week. Love your conclusion - replete with love image

Cidermaid - thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave your thoughts.
I wondered if the marionette image was too much or out of place but I liked idea of having control by tugging the strings. I will think on it and see if I can replace the line with something better. I cant bring myself to cut it as I want some type of rhyme with "within"
thanks for your help!
ps- hope you had a good bday!
-Jenn