12-21-2013, 05:22 AM
Sounds like the dandified flaneur business. But . . .
The bumbler bumbles about his day,
Curious but independent of what the world has to say
Silent pitched until it is necessitated,
Iris gasping, through his eyes all things are laminated
While it gets away with bumbling, the end rhymes are awkward in lines like this; that's not such a problem.
Till he slumbers into his radiant dreams,
Where the colours revive and emotions run like streams
He walks around as the unquestioned dot,
Quiescent in his stroll and museful in his paused squat
A constant traveller of the spherical land,
Without a destination, unperturbed by rain, snow or sand
For he knows there is nothing to find,
So he purely sits back to watch the mazes of life unwind
But they can seem a little stiff.
A careless and lonely viewer,
Of our tentacular film, watching from cloud to sewer
He breathes in our woes and slants,
Exhaling historicity just like the sternest plants
The words spherical, purely, and sternest are decent choices. I think you should keep them. Though if the lines felt less stiff, those words would seem less arbitrary. Maybe they are partly arbitrary, but they can work.
Never the reprimander, always the watcher,
The doors will open for him since his arrival is his departure
A ghost like leaf, breezing here and there,
Just a chip and a chink on this rock, he will always remember
Spongeable and powerful,
But receding in the background, fanciful
Constantly entertained,
By our brags, drags and grabs, his joy is self-contained
Some of us will choose this path, becoming an eternal explorer,
Scarifying our humanity to become its mirror
All the words are fine. The short then long lines are fine. The rhymes aren't that good. If you could only smooth out the awkward stiffness, not the words but the wording.
The bumbler bumbles about his day,
Curious but independent of what the world has to say
Silent pitched until it is necessitated,
Iris gasping, through his eyes all things are laminated
While it gets away with bumbling, the end rhymes are awkward in lines like this; that's not such a problem.
Till he slumbers into his radiant dreams,
Where the colours revive and emotions run like streams
He walks around as the unquestioned dot,
Quiescent in his stroll and museful in his paused squat
A constant traveller of the spherical land,
Without a destination, unperturbed by rain, snow or sand
For he knows there is nothing to find,
So he purely sits back to watch the mazes of life unwind
But they can seem a little stiff.
A careless and lonely viewer,
Of our tentacular film, watching from cloud to sewer
He breathes in our woes and slants,
Exhaling historicity just like the sternest plants
The words spherical, purely, and sternest are decent choices. I think you should keep them. Though if the lines felt less stiff, those words would seem less arbitrary. Maybe they are partly arbitrary, but they can work.
Never the reprimander, always the watcher,
The doors will open for him since his arrival is his departure
A ghost like leaf, breezing here and there,
Just a chip and a chink on this rock, he will always remember
Spongeable and powerful,
But receding in the background, fanciful
Constantly entertained,
By our brags, drags and grabs, his joy is self-contained
Some of us will choose this path, becoming an eternal explorer,
Scarifying our humanity to become its mirror
All the words are fine. The short then long lines are fine. The rhymes aren't that good. If you could only smooth out the awkward stiffness, not the words but the wording.