Lake Song - revised

[tectak]

Hello Lucent,
you have written a stylised piece of prose which is amost, but not quite, a prayer. There are problems of texture which has been mentioned by others and I can only agree. Overall, the issues are more of dogma....any critique is, to some extent, dogmatic. You do not have to take note of what is coming because to be seasonally spirited you have little to be worried about. The line by line is an attempt by me to make this piece better for me...that may not be enough
Grandma, give me your smile.
Grandma, give me your love, and say
it will always last - lies
of course; but still, the sun is poisedOK. Nice opener BUT but me no buts...what IS that "but" doing there. What is the contra-indication that requires a "but"? There is no mutual exclusion in the lies of the grandmother and the sun skinny dipping. So no "but".
to dive into the lake
and we sit rippling at the dock. See what has heppened? Because of that one little word you are on a long train of disconnect. Think about it. Granny lies but the sun goes down and we sit at the dock. Huh?
Home’s a weekend we stoleHome's is awkward. You have NO meter so why not "home is"?
from summer, back tripping at rootsNice stuff but the parentheses are patronisingly informative. It is as if we don't get it and you do. If you must add information to a simplistic clause, use the 2 dash approach. It is one of the few truly useful times that dashes can be used. So:
Home is a weekend we stole from summer,
tripping at the roots of trees-
Grandmother Willows-
and back to the minutiae of moss. Your poem.
of trees (of Grandmother
Willows) back to the minutiae
of moss - don’t step on it -
birchwood's tender peeling.I confess I have no idea what you are trying to say here. Don't step on the moss, or the the birchwood is tender peeling or the peeling is of the Birchwood. There is a breakdown of sense here.
I’ve come back to hold you circled
in embraces, a green carpet
at your trunk and slender
trembling. Though the forest’sAgain, you have something half-formed which is reading OK for you but is far from OK for me. Is a "slender trembling" adjective-noun? If so or if not so, the modifier is nonsensical. This stanza starts out well but soon disintegrates. Help.
raw queer roar is calling, though lifeA raw queer roar is calling and yet in spite of this life is everywhere at once....that is what the "though" means. I cannot see what you see.You MUST read you work OUT LOUD to someone in a gay bar to get a second opinion
is everywhere at once,
for now, I’m at your feet begging
that you’ll smile. And you do....but such a nice ending. A good beginning ,too. It's that bit in the middle....
Best,
tectak