A'bao

[ellajam]

Hi, Nihil, I think this is a strong, well done piece with just a few weak spots. I think you have a good idea to try pulling it together and adding punctuation, then you could compare them and decide what you feel best suits you poem. Here are a few notes.

The black marsh consumes
they say

In youth we stood at the edge
and listened

to hear the voices of dead

A'bao was said to sleep there "there" is a weak break, sleep or submerged would be better, i like submerge
submerged in fetid water

the old say he kidnaps the young
pulls all asunder
eats their hearts
wears their bones strong image
and excretes the russet oil This with the line below is striking, I'm not sure the gap serves

that floats ethereal in the marsh
and burns pale blue fire I can't put this together with the marsh, either I'm missing something or it's weak

I've transgressed the law
tasting that odd surface bile
growing wide eyed in my stupor

dizzied by the shifting halls and. "shifting" would be a stronger break
lurid shafts

I have met A'bao in the last house
seventeen feet under

he wore my eyes very effective, maybe cut the "and"
and I stared at my own blindness
curled up in grief

over my dismembered innocence. strong end

Good luck with your edit, be gentle.