Lake Song - revised

[71degrees]

Grandma, give me your smile.
Grandma, give me your love, and say
it will always last - lies
of course; but still, the sun is poised
to dive into the lake
and we sit rippling at the dock.
Home’s a weekend we stole
from summer, back tripping at roots
of trees (of Grandmother
Willows) back to the minutiae
of moss - don’t step on it -
birchwood's tender peeling.
I’ve come back to hold you circled
in embraces, a green carpet
at your trunk and slender
trembling. Though the forest’s
raw queer roar is calling, though life
is everywhere at once,
for now, I’m at your feet begging
that you’ll smile. And you do.

All my grandparents died before I knew them. After reading your poem, I wish I would have met yours. I like the language (e.g. reference to "roots" / rippling / trembling…last-lies) nice sounds throughout. Even "queer" sounds like a word associated more with an older generation, like a grandma's. I like you "being at the feet" of grandma. A little kid would do that and I think that's the persona you are projecting. Even the gentle admonishment "…don't step on it" sounds like banter between narrator and grandma. I like the consistency of this piece.

Nit picky things: just say "Grandmother Willows"; no reason to preface it with "…of trees" Double "of's" is goofy construction and the more specific usage is always better than general.

Words like "that" at the end serve no purpose. Trim every word you don't essentially need (see Ellajam's advice). Even "though" life" is wordy. Just "life…" is enough to get the thought going. Also, repetition works better in longer pieces. These too are wasted words in such a short piece.

Thanks for posting this. I like it.