12-20-2013, 08:06 AM
Bound not by shackles of this world What is not shackled? This is a very vague opener to a very vague poem. Not a bad concept though.. With some time and effort I think you could write something great that has the same general idea.
But of sacrifices by martyrs You might want to say 'by the sacrifices of martyrs', because as it stands it is slightly confusing and it doesn't flow too well.
A right many have lost What right is that? If you're referencing the sacrifice as a martyr thing. then how does one lose that right?
A gift some were given
To walk among the sunset
To live the dreams of this world
dare desire to silent my dreams - Silence? It feels like you need something to introduce this line. It seems to just kind of... Pop up on one, with no real explanation. It doesn't really serve much of a purpose either. You could fix it, I'm sure.
I too shall become a marthyr I feel like this is supposed to be martyr. This is a relatively weak finale, but it fits the rest of your poem. Try to spice things up a bit, experiment a little, throw some stuff in here or there in your poem and see where it leads.
I must concur, it seems a little flat.
I like what you were going for, I think, but only time will tell. Best of luck, and I'd love to read any revisions that you do.
But of sacrifices by martyrs You might want to say 'by the sacrifices of martyrs', because as it stands it is slightly confusing and it doesn't flow too well.
A right many have lost What right is that? If you're referencing the sacrifice as a martyr thing. then how does one lose that right?
A gift some were given
To walk among the sunset
To live the dreams of this world
dare desire to silent my dreams - Silence? It feels like you need something to introduce this line. It seems to just kind of... Pop up on one, with no real explanation. It doesn't really serve much of a purpose either. You could fix it, I'm sure.
I too shall become a marthyr I feel like this is supposed to be martyr. This is a relatively weak finale, but it fits the rest of your poem. Try to spice things up a bit, experiment a little, throw some stuff in here or there in your poem and see where it leads.
I must concur, it seems a little flat.
I like what you were going for, I think, but only time will tell. Best of luck, and I'd love to read any revisions that you do.