Evolving

[rowens]

I was waking up every morning after drinking all night and feeling not hungover but sick with embarrassment for things I'd said and done. After a while, I was feeling that way without being able to recall anything particular to be embarrassed about even though I remembered everything. So I did an experiment: I got drunk and sat alone in my room all night not doing anything. And the next morning I felt so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for things that I couldn't place. All day I kept getting that sick feeling of shame about that specific thing I did, and then realized I couldn't think of anything I'd done. Drinking itself wasn't it. It wasn't something from the past, it was something fresh.

But forget all that. Some French guy said joy is nothing more than a vulgar ornament. And I feel that way a lot.