Lake Song - revised

[ellajam]

Hi again. I like what you've done here, here are some notes.

Grandma, give me your smile. The repeat doesn't work here, if you are referencing 2 grandmas, tree and human, it's not coming across to me yet
Grandma, give me your love, and say love this ending in lies
it will always last - lies
of course; but still, the sun is poised
to dive into the lake I've written a lot of lake poems and never said this, beautiful
and we sit rippling at the dock. rippling stopped me but I like it
Home’s a weekend we stole beautifully said
from summer, back tripping at roots
of trees (of Grandmother I'd cut the parenthetical phrase, I don't think you need it
Willows) back to the minutiae
of moss - don’t step on it - love this, it puts me there
birchwood's tender peeling.
I’ve come back to hold you circled
in embraces, a green carpet here's where the tree becomes grandma even if you cut the other references
at your trunk and slender
trembling. Though the forest’s
raw queer roar is calling, though life raw queer too murky for me
is everywhere at once,
for now, I’m at your feet begging
that you’ll smile. And you do. The end would be stronger without "and you do"

Just some thoughts