At the Cabaret - revised

[ellajam]

I'm I to take it that this edit has not been in the least redeeming?

Hi, lucent, no time to think right now, I'll read it again later, but the usual way to post an edit here is to edit the op putting the labeled edit above the original and add "edit" to the thread title. It catches a bit more attention, makes it easier to compare the two and assures that readers critique the current version.

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There's a lot here I like. I can't really connect the beginning to the end, as if she's just here to introduce angels. Here are some notes for your consideration.

Does this smooth it out somewhat?

“Darling, be an angel, pass me a cigarette”,
she said, thinking angels gracious creatures
smoothing pains like children’s well-worn blankets The first three lines work, nice foray into her mind process, but I don't get the next two lines in this sentence, or how the "how" applies
(how fear is folded into aging eyes
and morbid yearnings burrow under skin).
The nonchalant pucker of lips; quick flame;
the suckling of ash: erotic exhalations
that fade in calm disquiet to a pleasant I think you can do better than "calm disquiet" and "pleasant haze", and I don't get the break on "pleasant"
haze. I also thought that angels
would appease. They don’t. They come I'd bring screaming up to this line
screaming rigid vengeance while I lie
stretched over my bed between "over" sticks
days which fray to inebriated evenings; fray works well
come roaring quaint flirtations for elusive while quaint may work technically, it's different but not good, a stopper
divinities. And though I wish to float into the night,
even the birds, drunk on rotted fruit, are devastated
by the window. strong end, but has the window devastated the birds or are they next to the window acting devastated?

Hope this helps