12-19-2013, 04:06 PM
"Maybe read some poetry" isn't useful. I'm sorry you're frustrated. A "series of strung together fragments" is, in fact, a sentence. S2 starts, "Sharp, grey eyes, cold, hungry, don't /
Follow him. But once, they would have lunged." The subject is "eyes" the verb is "don't follow" and, not that it needs it, the predicate is "him." I redrafted it this way in response to your critique that the snake is the most vivid image. I could have culled the others; instead, I chose to try strengthening them.
Yes, I would like some suggestions on what to read. I've taken your others. I'd especially appreciate suggestions related to the issues you're seeing with what I wrote.
"Doesn't work for me " isn't specific. It's vague. And you didn't say, "this doesn't fit the tone," you said, "why the bub nonsense?" I didn't open on a fragment, I opened with a pronoun lacking an antecedent. It's one of the most common devices in modern poetry. If you'd like me to post some examples from the November issue of Poetry Magazine, I believe there were two.
Lastly, in response to your notes, the reason I didn't say "the rabbit is us" is because that's the opposite of what I said. I said we're dumb, while the rabbit is acting wisely.
Now, let's take a breath.
Rigorous critique is undermined by aggression. This is dear work to me, and I made hard changes based on your line-by-line critique of half the poem. And that's good. I'm here to learn how to make hard choices.
You've posted a ton since you started in March. I respect that. If you tell me what you're after, I'll do my best to respond in kind. Please don't try to make me feel dumb or incompetent--I kinda feel that way already. If I wanted to get flamed, I'd go on 4chan.
Also, "would you like for me to rewrite it for you again?"
It's a rare few that wouldn't have been offended by you rewriting it the first time. That said, yes! Whatever you think the best form of a critique is, I'll take it. Rewriting it again would probably teach me something. It's presumptuous and confusing, but I'd be happy to, like the last time you rewrote my work, try to comprehend and respond to your feedback.
Follow him. But once, they would have lunged." The subject is "eyes" the verb is "don't follow" and, not that it needs it, the predicate is "him." I redrafted it this way in response to your critique that the snake is the most vivid image. I could have culled the others; instead, I chose to try strengthening them.
Yes, I would like some suggestions on what to read. I've taken your others. I'd especially appreciate suggestions related to the issues you're seeing with what I wrote.
"Doesn't work for me " isn't specific. It's vague. And you didn't say, "this doesn't fit the tone," you said, "why the bub nonsense?" I didn't open on a fragment, I opened with a pronoun lacking an antecedent. It's one of the most common devices in modern poetry. If you'd like me to post some examples from the November issue of Poetry Magazine, I believe there were two.
Lastly, in response to your notes, the reason I didn't say "the rabbit is us" is because that's the opposite of what I said. I said we're dumb, while the rabbit is acting wisely.
Now, let's take a breath.
Rigorous critique is undermined by aggression. This is dear work to me, and I made hard changes based on your line-by-line critique of half the poem. And that's good. I'm here to learn how to make hard choices.
You've posted a ton since you started in March. I respect that. If you tell me what you're after, I'll do my best to respond in kind. Please don't try to make me feel dumb or incompetent--I kinda feel that way already. If I wanted to get flamed, I'd go on 4chan.
Also, "would you like for me to rewrite it for you again?"
It's a rare few that wouldn't have been offended by you rewriting it the first time. That said, yes! Whatever you think the best form of a critique is, I'll take it. Rewriting it again would probably teach me something. It's presumptuous and confusing, but I'd be happy to, like the last time you rewrote my work, try to comprehend and respond to your feedback.