Entropy

[Truerenigma]

Yes, but "do better on your own" runs counter to the presumption underlying a forum like this. Without a specified crit, I'm left in the position of a self-critical poet self-editing, but worse off because my natural self-doubts are affirmed. It's fine to shrug and say, I wasn't trying to do more than suggest that your work isn't great, but anybody can do that. I'm asking for suggestions that amount to more than, "I didn't like the first draft, and I really don't like the second."

I'm also not trying to force you to respond point-by-point to a point-by-point response to your critique. I spent some long hours rewriting to your edit. If you don't like the revision, cool, but . . . Now what?

Maybe read some poetry? Would you like me to give you some suggestions as to what poetry you should read? I pointed out specifics: brother, my brother doesn't work for me, bub is too silly and doesn't fit the tone; would you like me to rewrite for you again? Did you really mean for it to end trailing off in mid-thought? You didn't even bother to finish the revision and you want me to give you more suggestions?

Also, I don't see how you rewrote to my edit or addressed any of my points from our previous discussion: You opened on another fragment, and I have no idea what "us" is; you started S2 with a strung-together list of more fragments—why not use correct grammar and complete sentences?

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Connect your thoughts—if you want to say the rabbit is us then why not just say it? Use a simile or metaphor which contains both parts connected in single sentence. If a metaphor, then go on to describe how they are alike on multiple levels; if a simile, then just compare a single part which is like its similitude, thusly:

Like my brother's rabbit we have big pink eyes that are scared and dumb.