12-18-2013, 02:01 PM
Bemh--thanks so much! Let me try, graciously, to echo tectak. I posted this here because I want to redraft it, and so I'm asking for a hard-nosed crit. I spent a lot of time stuck with my own draft, and not altogether happy with it, and trueenigma's comment opened a whole world to me: line breaking for reasons.
That said, if you have a thoughtful basis for breaking the lines as in the original, I'd love to hear them. As is, the line breaks only serve to give the poem a kind of falling-down-stairs feeling that masks some other flaws. Falling down stairs may be fun, but it's not what I'm hoping for in the end.
But thanks so much! I don't know anyone who doesn't like a good attaboy, but a boxer steps in the ring to get punched, not pat on the back
That said, if you have a thoughtful basis for breaking the lines as in the original, I'd love to hear them. As is, the line breaks only serve to give the poem a kind of falling-down-stairs feeling that masks some other flaws. Falling down stairs may be fun, but it's not what I'm hoping for in the end.
But thanks so much! I don't know anyone who doesn't like a good attaboy, but a boxer steps in the ring to get punched, not pat on the back