12-17-2013, 10:42 AM
I like the revision. You may want to move it into your original post (above the original) so that people just coming on the thread won't critique the wrong thing. Also it is helpful if you add to the title that you have revised, people who are following the thread will know to check back in. I usually just put "Rev 1" after the title.
The one thing that bugs me is the phrase "to be laid naked" ---is this person being placed there, as if they were dead or knocked out? I'm assuming they aren't dead yet as his/her teeth rattle.
If not, I would use the present tense, to lie naked on a shore.
mel.
The one thing that bugs me is the phrase "to be laid naked" ---is this person being placed there, as if they were dead or knocked out? I'm assuming they aren't dead yet as his/her teeth rattle.
If not, I would use the present tense, to lie naked on a shore.
mel.