Aunty Del lived here 1917-2013.Edit 2.1crow, true

[71degrees]

But now she’s gone and in her house, shivering with cold and stress,
we gather to assay her life; though loathe to stamp our claims out loud.
Silently we move around, and smile on every treasure touched;
We carefully handle, bag and box, each broken doll, each crumpled dress,
her photographs, the Oxtail soup, biscuits bought for friends to tea.
Pink table napkins, new and folded, indicate a woman proud;
pride was virtue in this world of chintzy cherubs and china cups.
Strange that wealth summed in a life could hide such human poverty.

We look to where she hung her plates; circles of her time in grime.
The empty spaces on the wall darkened as her days grew few.
Gaps between each precious place got longer as her passion left.
The last I hooked on to its pin, a week ago, it left no sign.
Another birthday gift had joined the sad procession. We could tell
that no more Blacksmith, Basket Weaver, Flower Girl or Lambing Ewe,
Cheese Purveyor, Fresh Fish Seller, Cobbler, Cooper, Weave and Weft
would ever mean so much again… as once they did to Aunty Del.


OriginaL
I look to where she hung her plates; circles of her time in grime. A
The empty spaces on the wall darkened as her days grew few. B
Gaps between each precious place got longer as her passion left. C
The last I hooked on to its pin, a week ago, it left no sign. A
Another birthday gift had joined the sad procession. We could tell D
that no more Blacksmith, Basket Weaver, Flower Girl or Lambing Ewe, B
Cheese Purveyor, Fresh Fish Seller, Cobbler, Hooper, Weave and Weft C
would ever mean so much again… as once they did to Aunty Del. D

Adelice Cansfield
1917-2013

Congratulations. To go from the original to this is quite a leap. You answered all my questions from my original post. The only thing is I can't get away from the feeling that the last (and mostly original stanza) sounds more and more to me like an Irish ditty. And I mean this in a respectful way. The "time in grime" together with "sign" propels me through. It's a nice blend. Works okay in stanza one w/"loud / proud"….do we need one more somewhere up there to match the rhythm of the second?

Hi 71,
Thank you for your meticulous obs.
Your last point is puzzling me....do you mean rhythm or rhyme? I ask because I don't know. I have added the rhyme scheme to the original stanza above. I have used it before. I hope S1 complies.
Best,
tectak

You're speaking to a poet who strives for rhythm. If rhyme is what it takes to accomplish this (mind you, it doesn't have to) than I love consistency. What I meant was….you have a trifecta of rhyme in the second stanza but only a daily double in the first. I think you have accomplished your goal of "ditty" recognition with what's here (at least in my untrained ears) but for balance, I would find that third sound in the first stanza. I love this poem. I now can "see" Aunty Del…where she lived, who she was. Now I want to "hear" her. Hope this makes sense.

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Congratulations. To go from the original to this is quite a leap. You answered all my questions from my original post. The only thing is I can't get away from the feeling that the last (and mostly original stanza) sounds more and more to me like an Irish ditty. And I mean this in a respectful way. The "time in grime" together with "sign" propels me through. It's a nice blend. Works okay in stanza one w/"loud / proud"….do we need one more somewhere up there to match the rhythm of the second?

Hi 71,
Thank you for your meticulous obs.
Your last point is puzzling me....do you mean rhythm or rhyme? I ask because I don't know. I have added the rhyme scheme to the original stanza above. I have used it before. I hope S1 complies.
Best,
tectak

You're speaking to a poet who strives for rhythm. If rhyme is what it takes to accomplish this (mind you, it doesn't have to) than I love consistency. What I meant was….you have a trifecta of rhyme in the second stanza but only a daily double in the first. I think you have accomplished your goal of "ditty" recognition with what's here (at least in my untrained ears) but for balance, I would find that third sound in the first stanza. I love this poem. I now can "see" Aunty Del…where she lived, who she was. Now I want to "hear" her. Hope this makes sense.

Oh…I'm sorry. This is a follow up b/c I didn't your attached notes indicating end rhyme. I see "time" (internal) rhyme as that third sound missing from your revision.