12-11-2013, 11:03 PM
Hi.
I think that the 'upon' I was referring to could simply be changed to 'on'.
And the problem with stanza two, I find, is that there is this build up of this expected phrase (a body in motion tends to remain --) and we expect it, with that line break, to be cleverly diverted. 'That way' seems too expected. I would be interested to see what other sorts of images or phrases you could find to subvert the original sense. Or else simply leave it: a body at rest remains.
I think that the 'upon' I was referring to could simply be changed to 'on'.
And the problem with stanza two, I find, is that there is this build up of this expected phrase (a body in motion tends to remain --) and we expect it, with that line break, to be cleverly diverted. 'That way' seems too expected. I would be interested to see what other sorts of images or phrases you could find to subvert the original sense. Or else simply leave it: a body at rest remains.