Beneath the Shadow Fall edit 1.01 true,beaufort, gilmored

[tectak]

RE:Beneath the ShadowFall Edit 1. true, beaufort

Look lest you loose your sight and die
--Look at what? Is something going to spit in my eyes and kill me? I don't get this line.
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
-- Nice, I assume your talking about a leaf after it's died, but I think you can be more descriptive than "falls".
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.
-- I don't get these lines at all, except the procreation part. Did something go wrong during a birth, and the mother choke on her own blood?
Beneath the pointillistic rug,
--I had to look pointillistic up. Not a bonus.
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
--Is this talking about bodies, compost, or what is "deep-piled". Also I think piled deep would sound better, it gives this line a sort of alliteration effect.
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.
-- I like these two lines, but creeping and seeds don't go together for me. I like the seeking part though. I can picture the seed spreading out.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again!
-- The only thing I can suggest for these lines is ending with "anew". "again" is so plain.
Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;-- What does looking into the sun have to do with cold air?
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.
--Autumned isn't a word, and blue skies in autumn sounds good to me!
We cry our tears to beg for time
--OK I like this line. I can feel the sorrow of someone close to death.
that misting distance brings to sight;
--Shouldn't it be misty? Or was this one of those intentional mistakes to make the reader think?
best look beneath the shadow-fall,
the nearer to new coming life.
-- I don't get these last two lines at all. Someone isn't born just because someone else dies.

I am not trying to be cute by criticizing one of your poem. Rather I was trying to see what a poem from an admin looked like, as I assume you guys, and girls, know what you're doing. I have read this over, thinking about it for over an hour now. These are just my thoughts as an average reader. I do hope I said at least one useful thing.

Hi gil,
You said many useful things in your crit but then lost some credibility by your expressed motive. The poetic ink blots of "admin" are not to be revered due to their assumed lofty source but like all work posted here...on their merit.
The mods on the site are of the same bloodstock as every other contributor!
To your crit. Those who know me know that I do not do complex or obscure. Over analysis of anyone's work will produce crit of similar content to yours. That is not to devalue it but to categorise it.
I am glad of your comments and pleased to see such in-depth crit. I very much like "anew". Credited. "Autumned", the poetically licensed conversion of a noun to an adjective, though an exceedingly common occurence, MUST be justified. In this case, the use if the descriptor is apposite...because this is an autumn poem and the etymology of autumn includes a strong reference to "drying up", which is one of the problems of old eyes!

autumn (n.)
late 14c., autumpne (modern form from 16c.), from Old French autumpne, automne (13c.), from Latin autumnus (also auctumnus, perhaps influenced by auctus "increase"), of unknown origin. Perhaps from Etruscan, but Tucker suggests a meaning "drying-up season" and a root in *auq- (which would suggest the form in -c- was the original) and compares archaic English sere-month "August."

I make no excuses for what enigmas you found in the piece but would confirm, from my lowly but aspirational perch, that I only rarely post a poem which has not spent many hours beneath my own critical gaze...however, I eat everything thrown to me. Thank you.
Best,
tectak