Boardwalks (edit #4.1)

[ellajam]

out of these 2 the first is miles better - the meter, the sonics, the voice and you don't have conjunctive verbs which always feel wrong in poems/

Not missing the pant, eh? I always have trouble dropping certain words. I'm going to see if there's a decent way to pull it back in, if not I'll drop it.

How about bicycles pedaled? True's bicycles, pedaled? I want them both, together.

I liked pants but sometimes you need to sacrifice for the greater good. I think I commented on "pedaled" earlier in the thread (I preferred it).

True's comma makes a big difference:

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles, pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

great view from the fence.

Sacrifice for the greater good, meh, might just be lazy not to get it all. If I managed to find a good line without pant may I can find a good one with it, it really is so much better than bark.

Words.