Boardwalks (edit #4.1)

[ellajam]

Again in my editing dilemma, I read what should be an improvement and miss the rougher original.

edit 2:
Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;

I like the meter, and billy doesn't have to post for me to hear the advantage to dropping the ing, but I miss the shortness of the original:



Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;

I like them bursting and I miss pant.

I can't use "Hear the pants" because I picture dogs in silly outfits.

thinking....

out of these 2 the first is miles better - the meter, the sonics, the voice and you don't have conjunctive verbs which always feel wrong in poems/

Not missing the pant, eh? I always have trouble dropping certain words. I'm going to see if there's a decent way to pull it back in, if not I'll drop it.

How about bicycles pedaled? True's bicycles, pedaled? I want both words, together.