12-10-2013, 02:20 PM
It still might need some work to untangle some of the tenses, and you need a better verb for the "pulls" break, but this is a good place to start.
To be honest, the entropy strophe should probably be cut altogether, or rewritten in a way that fits to the narrative— it's an interruption just about anywhere you put it— but the reason why I move it was so that it could at least gain some strength from the snake symbolism. (Which is the strongest aspect of the poem.)
I will be happy to answer any questions, but the main reason behind most of the editing is as follows (and note that I didn't actually "rewrite" anything):
—Grammar, syntax, and punctuation.
—Eliminating unnecessary "wordiness" (some could still go)
—strengthening line breaks and starts. (the "edges" are the most important parts of a poem.)
look again.
The double sonnet you were looking for is here:
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=12891
To be honest, the entropy strophe should probably be cut altogether, or rewritten in a way that fits to the narrative— it's an interruption just about anywhere you put it— but the reason why I move it was so that it could at least gain some strength from the snake symbolism. (Which is the strongest aspect of the poem.)
I will be happy to answer any questions, but the main reason behind most of the editing is as follows (and note that I didn't actually "rewrite" anything):
—Grammar, syntax, and punctuation.
—Eliminating unnecessary "wordiness" (some could still go)
—strengthening line breaks and starts. (the "edges" are the most important parts of a poem.)
look again.
The double sonnet you were looking for is here:
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=12891