12-10-2013, 01:18 PM
As I drive.(edit 1)
--no period.
As I drive there's so many sights[:]
--"so" isn't preferred here, as it anticipates a "that" clause. More to the point, it's a bland intensifier.
The herd of elk in a field below[,]
--a "gang" of elk is probably better. Condense. E.g. "Elk gang below" does almost all of the substantive work at a savings of six syllables.
Hills and dips heaving [to] and fro.
--make more active. Why heaving instead of heave?
A multitude of lefts, countless rights.
--well . . . But why is that mattersome? Why not talk about potential roads forward?
Everything sparkling a brilliant white.
--there's a better way to say this. There's been a million descriptions of snow. I'm sure half describe it as sparkling, white, or brilliant. Indeed, that's why you can afford to avoid calling it "snow."
With trees all around,
--I'm guessing their all of a type? This line can be brightened intensely.
the road hardly visible,
--"hardly" gives me a range of potential visibilities. Nail it down for me.
pastel skies reflect off the ground.
--tighten, tighten, tighten. I wrote four diff versions of this line as an experiment. The shortest was three syllables, the longest was five.
No reason to be miserable.
--good. April is the cruelest month?
I speak these words as I drive down the road.
--put quotes around the line above?
'Cause I don't want to forget, I want you to know.
--lost me. This is a fragment. It introduces a new character. And it reads three or four ways, two of which conflict directly. (For instance, I want you to know that I don't want to forget vs. I want you to know, so that I don't have to forget--one sells a continuing relationship, the other an ended one)
Of the inspiring scenes that come to my eyes.
--redundant w the rest of the poem.
While it's fresh enough to characterize.
--you've only characterized the scene as memorable. It's not serene or chastising or orienting. So "describe" works better, but you've barely scratched the surface if that. I have one and a half color words, "trees," a road with an extraordinary amount of turn-offs, and hilly mountains.
Be gutsy. Be daring. Be awesome.
If I were with you, what would I have failed to see?
--no period.
As I drive there's so many sights[:]
--"so" isn't preferred here, as it anticipates a "that" clause. More to the point, it's a bland intensifier.
The herd of elk in a field below[,]
--a "gang" of elk is probably better. Condense. E.g. "Elk gang below" does almost all of the substantive work at a savings of six syllables.
Hills and dips heaving [to] and fro.
--make more active. Why heaving instead of heave?
A multitude of lefts, countless rights.
--well . . . But why is that mattersome? Why not talk about potential roads forward?
Everything sparkling a brilliant white.
--there's a better way to say this. There's been a million descriptions of snow. I'm sure half describe it as sparkling, white, or brilliant. Indeed, that's why you can afford to avoid calling it "snow."
With trees all around,
--I'm guessing their all of a type? This line can be brightened intensely.
the road hardly visible,
--"hardly" gives me a range of potential visibilities. Nail it down for me.
pastel skies reflect off the ground.
--tighten, tighten, tighten. I wrote four diff versions of this line as an experiment. The shortest was three syllables, the longest was five.
No reason to be miserable.
--good. April is the cruelest month?
I speak these words as I drive down the road.
--put quotes around the line above?
'Cause I don't want to forget, I want you to know.
--lost me. This is a fragment. It introduces a new character. And it reads three or four ways, two of which conflict directly. (For instance, I want you to know that I don't want to forget vs. I want you to know, so that I don't have to forget--one sells a continuing relationship, the other an ended one)
Of the inspiring scenes that come to my eyes.
--redundant w the rest of the poem.
While it's fresh enough to characterize.
--you've only characterized the scene as memorable. It's not serene or chastising or orienting. So "describe" works better, but you've barely scratched the surface if that. I have one and a half color words, "trees," a road with an extraordinary amount of turn-offs, and hilly mountains.
Be gutsy. Be daring. Be awesome.
If I were with you, what would I have failed to see?