[The Futility of Lamentation]
#4
(12-10-2013, 04:54 AM)HalfOpenArms Wrote:  Due to the harsh weather,
I'm stuck in my house this morning
for longer than usual

(unbeknownst to the dogs,
who are locked up in the basement.

Still, they weep and howl,
bemoaning their aloneness.

It strikes me that I'm naive as them
to lament the absence
of those who never truly departed.)
It is a bit weak, but nothing some revision won't clean up. Too much like a conversation. 'Due to the harsh weather' is vague, you could spice it up with something more descriptive: blizzard? tornado? tsunami? (jk), what's going on out there? 'stuck in my house' could become 'stuck inside'. In reference to the canines weeping, I'm not buying it - whine, maybe, but not 'weep'. rowens gave a valid example of what is possible. Not that you should change your meaning, but express it more cleanly. I truly like what you're trying to say. Onward and upward.
My shit list runs horizontally - there's always room for you at the top
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Messages In This Thread
[The Futility of Lamentation] - by HalfOpenArms - 12-10-2013, 04:54 AM
RE: [The Futility of Lamentation] - by ellajam - 12-10-2013, 05:17 AM
RE: [The Futility of Lamentation] - by rowens - 12-10-2013, 10:35 AM
RE: [The Futility of Lamentation] - by trailertrash - 12-10-2013, 12:19 PM
RE: [The Futility of Lamentation] - by milo - 12-10-2013, 12:35 PM



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