12-09-2013, 11:51 AM
Oh! Now things make sense--and this has been published? Well, I'll go back through it anyway. Edits are bracketed.
Breakout
[Cowra, 1944]
The carvery lunch at Grandad’s RSL
is all we can afford these days, a treat
for battlers[:] There’s a smell of yesterday
pip[ing] across the floor[.] [The] vets hum foreign songs
and drink about the war.
But the carpark today has a busload of
Nikons [clicking and] smiling inscrutably.
[H]e coughs and checks, the old man, balks and walks away.
["]Don’t go in there, son, won’t go in there
["]Ripped out my nails and burned off my hair, son
["]Don’t go in there, I won’t go in there["]
--the repeating intro quotes make it seem like dialogue. Just a thought.
So off to the caf for a java and a posh bit[e] to eat
--I'm a fan of punctuation, and I think "So," would be better for cadence and ease of understanding.
while his demons devour five[-]dollar pork
--the Japanese? If the meal is symbolic, heighten it? Try, "while his demons devour unlivered pork" "gnaw cheap pork legs," "wipe pork grease from their . . ."?
at the opposite end of the street
--they're ignorant to the pain they're causing? Or is this purely metaphoric? Maybe, "downwind"?
and his yesterday-smell is further away
--can the yesterday smell be imprisoned, itself, in the RSL?
than tomorrow’s insistence on leaving behind
--make more active? Can tomorrow insist?
the crippled, the starving, the burned and the blind
--consider omitting "the"
the edges torn out of the mind
--this line loses me some . . .
The garden that Nakajima created is quiet
--why not "Nakajima's garden"?
in contrast, each November when tireless shutters
--drop "in"?: ". / Contrast Novembers. Tireless"?
and lenses are stowed beneath the hush. Sakura Matsuri
--I want "hush" to do more work. E.g., "hushed" or italicized hush?
still echoes, though the best blossoms have long since blown
--excellent.
away. I don’t ask if there are cherries on Kokoda
or lining that damned railway. Why rake the sand
with the nails of dead soldiers?
--excellent.
It is a haiku landscape that sparks the dreaming. This
--"sparks" could feel dangerous, if you wanted to make it part of some psychological arsenal
silent bonsai is not its father elm. What seems strange
--I supply "just as" to "This" on the line above. "[S]eems" feels weak here. Try just "Strange".
is simple through another eye, and I
can only ask.
Grandad lived and died in yesterday. He is headstone
--I'd put a comma after "headstone".
heavy on hard[-]won ground, but I found a pebble
that sang the songs of mountains.
--this is a reference to the Zen tradition of adding stones to bonsai arrangements and Zen gardens? It's also a contrast with the idea of a headstone? Mmmk. So . . . I'd add another line or two to the end. Like, "and I've hidden it from him" or "and I don't know what's buried underneath". I feel comfortable making these direct edits because they're the most efficient way to say what I mean, and you're a strong enough poet to take my meaning without feeling strong-armed. If I'm wrong, let me know, and I won't do it again
I must say, I agree this is a powerful work. I just wanted to suggest some, mostly useless, revisions, in case they help
Breakout
[Cowra, 1944]
The carvery lunch at Grandad’s RSL
is all we can afford these days, a treat
for battlers[:] There’s a smell of yesterday
pip[ing] across the floor[.] [The] vets hum foreign songs
and drink about the war.
But the carpark today has a busload of
Nikons [clicking and] smiling inscrutably.
[H]e coughs and checks, the old man, balks and walks away.
["]Don’t go in there, son, won’t go in there
["]Ripped out my nails and burned off my hair, son
["]Don’t go in there, I won’t go in there["]
--the repeating intro quotes make it seem like dialogue. Just a thought.
So off to the caf for a java and a posh bit[e] to eat
--I'm a fan of punctuation, and I think "So," would be better for cadence and ease of understanding.
while his demons devour five[-]dollar pork
--the Japanese? If the meal is symbolic, heighten it? Try, "while his demons devour unlivered pork" "gnaw cheap pork legs," "wipe pork grease from their . . ."?
at the opposite end of the street
--they're ignorant to the pain they're causing? Or is this purely metaphoric? Maybe, "downwind"?
and his yesterday-smell is further away
--can the yesterday smell be imprisoned, itself, in the RSL?
than tomorrow’s insistence on leaving behind
--make more active? Can tomorrow insist?
the crippled, the starving, the burned and the blind
--consider omitting "the"
the edges torn out of the mind
--this line loses me some . . .
The garden that Nakajima created is quiet
--why not "Nakajima's garden"?
in contrast, each November when tireless shutters
--drop "in"?: ". / Contrast Novembers. Tireless"?
and lenses are stowed beneath the hush. Sakura Matsuri
--I want "hush" to do more work. E.g., "hushed" or italicized hush?
still echoes, though the best blossoms have long since blown
--excellent.
away. I don’t ask if there are cherries on Kokoda
or lining that damned railway. Why rake the sand
with the nails of dead soldiers?
--excellent.
It is a haiku landscape that sparks the dreaming. This
--"sparks" could feel dangerous, if you wanted to make it part of some psychological arsenal
silent bonsai is not its father elm. What seems strange
--I supply "just as" to "This" on the line above. "[S]eems" feels weak here. Try just "Strange".
is simple through another eye, and I
can only ask.
Grandad lived and died in yesterday. He is headstone
--I'd put a comma after "headstone".
heavy on hard[-]won ground, but I found a pebble
that sang the songs of mountains.
--this is a reference to the Zen tradition of adding stones to bonsai arrangements and Zen gardens? It's also a contrast with the idea of a headstone? Mmmk. So . . . I'd add another line or two to the end. Like, "and I've hidden it from him" or "and I don't know what's buried underneath". I feel comfortable making these direct edits because they're the most efficient way to say what I mean, and you're a strong enough poet to take my meaning without feeling strong-armed. If I'm wrong, let me know, and I won't do it again
I must say, I agree this is a powerful work. I just wanted to suggest some, mostly useless, revisions, in case they help