12-09-2013, 09:10 AM
(10-28-2013, 02:15 PM)emerald13 Wrote: grey puddle
ticking quietly
a wing torn moth
©Gina
(10-28-2013, 07:13 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Hey, it's a real Haiku, I think. I really like the moth image! Lepidoptera are my favorite insects. My only suggestion with this one is to possibly re-examine 'ticking'. Although it goes well with the wing, it is harder to associate with the puddle. Unfortunately, I can't think of a substitute on the fly. Gina, see what you and others think./Chris
Agreed, it's a moth, not a clock or a bomb. The first word that came to mind was 'floundering', which sounds like a watery thing to do; but something that evokes the image of a ship listing to port, such as 'foundering' would be awesomely awesome, and sooo close. I can see that what you're going for is very nearly onomatopoeic, right?
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