12-09-2013, 08:47 AM
Proofread:
Beneath the Shadow-Fall
Look, lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground,
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.
Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth,
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.
Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again!
Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.
We cry our tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall,
the nearer to new-coming life.
Suggestions to tighten and brighten:
Beneath the Shadow-Fall
Look, lest [blinded] you die
before the leaf [spins] gold to ground,
[and elixered] breath
--"when" is redundant with "before"
[makes] old new.
Beneath the pointillistic rug,
--pointillistic means "made of points" and "rug" means made of strands. That's a nice dynamic, but I confess to not being able to derive an image from it.
deep-piled[,] dank on sleeping earth,
--good follow-through on the rug idea. Does it go away? Change "sleeping" to brighten.
the seeds [creep], [milling]
ten[-]thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.
--aren't the tendrils the threads?
Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
--perhaps sight is the only sense plants have . . . And, earlier, we're told that blindness is a bad thing. There's an opportunity here!
blush [joyful] verdant hue[s]!
From out of locked life-sentence[s], freed.
--hmmm . . . A prisoner idea may be less-good than continuing the imagery already present: sleep, spinning thread, blindness and sight. Perhaps "From out of pale and sightless . . ."
Up, up[,] [raising] flags again!
Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
--this looses me. I've read it five or six times . . . Perhaps "Unfix your gaze from crimson crowns,
the strange chill . . ."
blue never can describe the sky
--again, I have a hard time accepting that blue can't describe the sky. The color and the thing are too closely associated in my mind. The thought is that blue misses the point of the aching feeling? Perhaps, "blue only half-describes . . ."?
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.
--isn't there a word that would mean "brings such ache to"? Perhaps pains or aches or wounds or batters?
[Our] tears [beg] time
that misting distance brings to sight;
--I want the rug metaphor to persist. Try, "that looms distant, warping into sight"?
best look beneath th[is] shadow-fall,
[be] nearer to [the surging] life.
--again, "new-coming" could be another application of sight, sleeping, or weaving.
Overall, I think if the shadow-fall were a quilt or another bed-thing, the three images--sleeping, weaving, seeing--might find a good unity.
[/b]
Beneath the Shadow-Fall
Look, lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground,
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.
Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth,
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.
Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again!
Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.
We cry our tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall,
the nearer to new-coming life.
Suggestions to tighten and brighten:
Beneath the Shadow-Fall
Look, lest [blinded] you die
before the leaf [spins] gold to ground,
[and elixered] breath
--"when" is redundant with "before"
[makes] old new.
Beneath the pointillistic rug,
--pointillistic means "made of points" and "rug" means made of strands. That's a nice dynamic, but I confess to not being able to derive an image from it.
deep-piled[,] dank on sleeping earth,
--good follow-through on the rug idea. Does it go away? Change "sleeping" to brighten.
the seeds [creep], [milling]
ten[-]thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.
--aren't the tendrils the threads?
Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
--perhaps sight is the only sense plants have . . . And, earlier, we're told that blindness is a bad thing. There's an opportunity here!
blush [joyful] verdant hue[s]!
From out of locked life-sentence[s], freed.
--hmmm . . . A prisoner idea may be less-good than continuing the imagery already present: sleep, spinning thread, blindness and sight. Perhaps "From out of pale and sightless . . ."
Up, up[,] [raising] flags again!
Do not gaze up to crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
--this looses me. I've read it five or six times . . . Perhaps "Unfix your gaze from crimson crowns,
the strange chill . . ."
blue never can describe the sky
--again, I have a hard time accepting that blue can't describe the sky. The color and the thing are too closely associated in my mind. The thought is that blue misses the point of the aching feeling? Perhaps, "blue only half-describes . . ."?
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.
--isn't there a word that would mean "brings such ache to"? Perhaps pains or aches or wounds or batters?
[Our] tears [beg] time
that misting distance brings to sight;
--I want the rug metaphor to persist. Try, "that looms distant, warping into sight"?
best look beneath th[is] shadow-fall,
[be] nearer to [the surging] life.
--again, "new-coming" could be another application of sight, sleeping, or weaving.
Overall, I think if the shadow-fall were a quilt or another bed-thing, the three images--sleeping, weaving, seeing--might find a good unity.
[/b]