12-09-2013, 08:34 AM
(11-09-2013, 03:13 PM)paul.rosen Wrote:(11-09-2013, 03:14 AM)beaufort Wrote: I like this a lot. The only suggestion I can think of is to keep the last stanza 3 lines -I agree with Christopher and Beaufort, and would go even farther than Beaufort and suggest that you could drop "to the bee" entirely.
"curls back
on herself
whispering to the bee"
Either way sounds good to me - very nice!
To bee, or not to bee? Hmmmm. Love your other posting about one backing into a purple echium - too cute! But this one's already got twilight and a lily; the bee line (no pun intended) is almost an afterthought. This isn't a democracy, but I vote 'not to bee' on this one.
My shit list runs horizontally - there's always room for you at the top