12-09-2013, 05:48 AM
It's hard to find anything positive to work with after the first line. I thought you could cut a few lines, but then there were too many to name. This one just isn't working.
You could straighten out some of your lines that are only there to match a rhyming word. Cut some of those lines, and fix the strangling syntax.
You could straighten out some of your lines that are only there to match a rhyming word. Cut some of those lines, and fix the strangling syntax.