12-07-2013, 02:49 PM
Proofread:
“Darling, be an angel. Pass me a cigarette,"
she says, thinking angels gracious creatures,
smoothing pains like children’s well-worn blankets
(how creases fold around our fearful eyes,
and morbid yearnings burrow within our skin).
The nonchalant pucker of lips to flame,
the suckling of ash, erotic exhalations
that fade in calm disquiet into a pleasant
haze. Weren’t we told that angels
should appease? They do not. They come
screaming rigid vengeance while you lie
stretched over your bed between rigorous
days which fade into inebriated evening
horrors, come roaring quaint flirtations for elusive
divinities, though we only wished
to float into the night, drunk
as the birds who have gorged on fruit and devastated
by a window.
Take the changes or leave the original. Just wanted to suggest the corrections
Several may be debatable in a any case.
Edit:
At the Cabaret
The title is merely atmospheric. Consider adding narrative content. For instance "At the park" vs. "At the park, dogs." or "At the park, running . . ."
“Darling, be an angel, pass me a cigarette”,
This is a step-wise elevation. The narrator is offered a promotion from "darling" to "potential angel." It's a hazardous promotion, and the rest of the work says why.
she says, thinking angels gracious creatures
"[S]he" is undefined, probably for the best, because she isn't the point. "[T]hinking angels gracious creatures" resembles "when the Gods wish to punish us, they grant our wish." I have several issues, here. Chiefly, what difference does her naivete make? Is the narrator going to be simply ingracious? Evil? Punishing? The poem goes on into a woozy exploration of her definitions and a hard-edged correction of it. Angels, it turns out, can be unwelcome, hurtful agents of condemnation.
But I'm left wondering how that perspective, held by the narrator, might at all impact the quoted woman.
smoothing pains like children’s well-worn blankets
I'm not familiar with smoothing a child's blanket, well-worn or otherwise, so I assume the blankets are "smoothing" the pains? I'd suggest a reordering, then: "like children's well-worn blankets smooth their pains."
If that's an accurate recast, then the notion is that angels, like children's blankets, shield from fear"?
Also, I'm unaware of the idiom "smoothing blankets." If I'm just new to it, keep it, but if not, consider an alternative.
(how creases fold around our fearful eyes
and morbid yearnings burrow in our skin).
Problematically, creases don't fold around fearful eyes. Fearful eyes are wide. And to say "morbid yearnings burrow in our skin"--the word "burrow" works for me, but . . . my biggest issue here is "our." Who comprises "our"?
The nonchalant pucker of lips to flame
That's her smoking? There's a suggestion that calling the narrator an angel is the puckering of lips to flame. This is, perhaps, the better read, because a cigarette is not "a flame," and lips don't pucker to flame.
the suckling of ash, erotic exhalations
The in-and-out of breath hits home. "Suckling" vs. "sucking" works for me.
which fade in calm disquiet to a pleasant
Either "ash, erotic exhalations, which fades" or "exhalations that fade".
haze. Weren’t we told that angels
Again, who's "we"? I can attribute that to the narrator and the quoted woman, or to "all of us," like there's a common knowledge that.
should appease? They do not. They come
I've never been told that angels are "appeasing." I've been told that they do God's will. They are agents of a divine will. And I've never been told that God appeases anything. So, now I'm wondering what or whom is being appeased . . .
screaming rigid vengeance while you lie
Should be "lay," right? "Screaming rigid" is an odd expression. I have no concept of "flexible vengeance" . . .
stretched over your bed between rigorous
This is a reference to the blankets, right? I like the flip. At one point, blankets had a protective quality. Now, they get scary.
days which fray to inebriated evening
This is hallucinogenic. The kids blankets are, for some reason, responding to a drunken night by loosing the integrity of their edges??? I love being denied entry into this metaphor.
horrors; come roaring quaint flirtations for elusive
What's a drunken horror? A drunken abusive dad? I have a hard time imagining a drunken monster being different from a regular monster, in terms of its horrific-ness.
Roaring quaint flirtations is an awesome idea. Develop it. I imagine an angel screaming, "YOU'RE DADDY MUST'VE BEEN A THIEF!!!"
divinities, though we only wished
"[D]ivinities" shows me that we're not monotheistic. There's a devil, now. But it'd be cleaner if these "angels" weren't either agents of god or the devil or something else, but only of god.
to float into the night: drunk
Should be "drunken"?
as the birds who have gorged on fruit, devastated
by a window.
The drunken birds have crashed into a window, yes? But the window is a metaphor? Of what?
“Darling, be an angel. Pass me a cigarette,"
she says, thinking angels gracious creatures,
smoothing pains like children’s well-worn blankets
(how creases fold around our fearful eyes,
and morbid yearnings burrow within our skin).
The nonchalant pucker of lips to flame,
the suckling of ash, erotic exhalations
that fade in calm disquiet into a pleasant
haze. Weren’t we told that angels
should appease? They do not. They come
screaming rigid vengeance while you lie
stretched over your bed between rigorous
days which fade into inebriated evening
horrors, come roaring quaint flirtations for elusive
divinities, though we only wished
to float into the night, drunk
as the birds who have gorged on fruit and devastated
by a window.
Take the changes or leave the original. Just wanted to suggest the corrections
Several may be debatable in a any case.Edit:
At the Cabaret
The title is merely atmospheric. Consider adding narrative content. For instance "At the park" vs. "At the park, dogs." or "At the park, running . . ."
“Darling, be an angel, pass me a cigarette”,
This is a step-wise elevation. The narrator is offered a promotion from "darling" to "potential angel." It's a hazardous promotion, and the rest of the work says why.
she says, thinking angels gracious creatures
"[S]he" is undefined, probably for the best, because she isn't the point. "[T]hinking angels gracious creatures" resembles "when the Gods wish to punish us, they grant our wish." I have several issues, here. Chiefly, what difference does her naivete make? Is the narrator going to be simply ingracious? Evil? Punishing? The poem goes on into a woozy exploration of her definitions and a hard-edged correction of it. Angels, it turns out, can be unwelcome, hurtful agents of condemnation.
But I'm left wondering how that perspective, held by the narrator, might at all impact the quoted woman.
smoothing pains like children’s well-worn blankets
I'm not familiar with smoothing a child's blanket, well-worn or otherwise, so I assume the blankets are "smoothing" the pains? I'd suggest a reordering, then: "like children's well-worn blankets smooth their pains."
If that's an accurate recast, then the notion is that angels, like children's blankets, shield from fear"?
Also, I'm unaware of the idiom "smoothing blankets." If I'm just new to it, keep it, but if not, consider an alternative.
(how creases fold around our fearful eyes
and morbid yearnings burrow in our skin).
Problematically, creases don't fold around fearful eyes. Fearful eyes are wide. And to say "morbid yearnings burrow in our skin"--the word "burrow" works for me, but . . . my biggest issue here is "our." Who comprises "our"?
The nonchalant pucker of lips to flame
That's her smoking? There's a suggestion that calling the narrator an angel is the puckering of lips to flame. This is, perhaps, the better read, because a cigarette is not "a flame," and lips don't pucker to flame.
the suckling of ash, erotic exhalations
The in-and-out of breath hits home. "Suckling" vs. "sucking" works for me.
which fade in calm disquiet to a pleasant
Either "ash, erotic exhalations, which fades" or "exhalations that fade".
haze. Weren’t we told that angels
Again, who's "we"? I can attribute that to the narrator and the quoted woman, or to "all of us," like there's a common knowledge that.
should appease? They do not. They come
I've never been told that angels are "appeasing." I've been told that they do God's will. They are agents of a divine will. And I've never been told that God appeases anything. So, now I'm wondering what or whom is being appeased . . .
screaming rigid vengeance while you lie
Should be "lay," right? "Screaming rigid" is an odd expression. I have no concept of "flexible vengeance" . . .
stretched over your bed between rigorous
This is a reference to the blankets, right? I like the flip. At one point, blankets had a protective quality. Now, they get scary.
days which fray to inebriated evening
This is hallucinogenic. The kids blankets are, for some reason, responding to a drunken night by loosing the integrity of their edges??? I love being denied entry into this metaphor.
horrors; come roaring quaint flirtations for elusive
What's a drunken horror? A drunken abusive dad? I have a hard time imagining a drunken monster being different from a regular monster, in terms of its horrific-ness.
Roaring quaint flirtations is an awesome idea. Develop it. I imagine an angel screaming, "YOU'RE DADDY MUST'VE BEEN A THIEF!!!"
divinities, though we only wished
"[D]ivinities" shows me that we're not monotheistic. There's a devil, now. But it'd be cleaner if these "angels" weren't either agents of god or the devil or something else, but only of god.
to float into the night: drunk
Should be "drunken"?
as the birds who have gorged on fruit, devastated
by a window.
The drunken birds have crashed into a window, yes? But the window is a metaphor? Of what?