12-07-2013, 09:20 AM
I like your style and poem... and that I've come into viewing this poem only now, on the 2nd edit.
The structure of the last stanza has been greatly improved.
Here's my biggest problem: In the first stanza I understood the rush from ambulance, but then was lost on burgundy carpet.... more is needed here to clarify the scene. I almost thought "funeral parlor" then thought "no, church".... then I realized it should invoke more waiting room.
I was lost there, but don't have any suggestions to amend that.... other than maybe you should add a little pre-context along with the "rush"
The ending would be slightly improved by strengthening the word "touched"
I don't like the word "massaged" in this context... maybe coax? pull?
I think the last lines could use a small adjustment to fix timing.... maybe something like "Goodbye" I said with a hollow
that no sheet could conceal"
That's all I have for now! Good luck editing.
I think it wants for another title, too. Maybe "Love lines." ?? Corny... I don't really have another thought.
The structure of the last stanza has been greatly improved.
Here's my biggest problem: In the first stanza I understood the rush from ambulance, but then was lost on burgundy carpet.... more is needed here to clarify the scene. I almost thought "funeral parlor" then thought "no, church".... then I realized it should invoke more waiting room.
I was lost there, but don't have any suggestions to amend that.... other than maybe you should add a little pre-context along with the "rush"
The ending would be slightly improved by strengthening the word "touched"
I don't like the word "massaged" in this context... maybe coax? pull?
I think the last lines could use a small adjustment to fix timing.... maybe something like "Goodbye" I said with a hollow
that no sheet could conceal"
That's all I have for now! Good luck editing.
I think it wants for another title, too. Maybe "Love lines." ?? Corny... I don't really have another thought.