When the Fat Lady Sings

[71degrees]

I am only online for a short time today but I can't leave without commenting on this. The concept is beautiful. I enjoy that tongue-in-cheek tone in conjunction with a discussion on classical music, it makes an interesting juxtaposition.

I'm not convinced that you need "and" to start with. "plus" is odd also -- perhaps you'd consider either just "and" or "with". Additionally, "tapping a scuffed shoe" kind of gives me the image of some massive communal shoe... "tapping scuffed shoes" might work, although I understand you're going for the tapping of just one foot (for each person!)

Thanks very much for the read, this is great.

Agree "shoe / shoes" image needs to be cleaned up. Thanks. "And...." needs to stay Will look at "plus..."

Thanks much for comments

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Hi 71degrees, I have very little to suggest here, and it probably amounts to a style choice on one line break. This is a wonderful poem. Here's my commnet:

[quote='71degrees' pid='149104' dateline='1386288672']
And it’s time, I would like--I would like music to end this line. I think it would make a more interesting line break
music to murder me—
something elegant, like Chopin—
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming ,
or worse, tapping a scuffed shoe
to a wordless tune of a life--the first "a" may sound better as "the"

I’d rather die with a soft song--One of the other reasons I like music above is it gives kind of a parallel feel with song here
in my head: something with violins—
like cricket legs rubbing together
on the first frost of October—--just gorgeous build up to this line
a white haired preacher with a thin baton,
plus Jesus Christ himself at the back door,
making sure no one leaves early--what an over the top great ending. I notice you didn't really end punctuation, it didn't detract

I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Thank you for posting.

Best,

Todd
[/quote]

Todd: Thanks. Really like the "a" to "the" suggestion. Yes, I hear that.

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hi 71

if the "and" is the continuation of the title add it to the title
or not as the case may be.
it has a tongue in cheek humour about it that appeals to me, it also has an irreverence to chopin in that you that you presume to do the lyrics for his work
some small points really, nothing great but well worth an edit.
oh...and it's original with some original images,
thanks for the read.

[quote='71degrees' pid='149104' dateline='1386288672']
And it’s time, I would like
music to murder me—
something elegant, like Chopin—
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want i like the enjambment here, make me work (in a good way)
people at my funeral merely humming , this line evoked a laugh, the image of people "merely" humming because the music has no words is clever.
or worse, tapping a scuffed shoe i'd suggest scuffed shoes as opposed to a universal shoe
to a wordless tune of a life

I’d rather die with a soft song
in my head: something with violins— i like the enjambment here also, it'sd like a daydream of the funeral
like cricket legs rubbing together
on the first frost of October— good image, cold crickets indeed, but it works well
a white haired preacher with a thin baton,
plus Jesus Christ himself at the back door,
making sure no one leaves early solid humorous ending

[/quote]

Billy: It appears the "shoe tapping"image is in need of an overall and is consensus with all comments so far. Will heed. Thanks for the comments here.

---

[quote='71degrees' pid='149104' dateline='1386288672']
And it’s time, I would like
music to murder me—
something elegant, like Chopin—
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming ,
or worse, tapping a scuffed shoe
to a wordless tune of a life

I’d rather die with a soft song
in my head: something with violins—
like cricket legs rubbing together
on the first frost of October—
a white haired preacher with a thin baton,
plus Jesus Christ himself at the back door,
making sure no one leaves early

hello again,

There are some things about this poem that I find enjoyable:

The idea of someone writing lyrics to Chopin for their own funeral is completely new to me, thus it interests me.

I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming..

I like the image here, and it kind of juxtaposes against reality for me; when you go to a funeral there is usually some level of grief involved, and you wouldn't be thinking about whether people are humming, or singing along, or tapping their shoe(!)— these are things (details) no one really thinks about, which makes them good for a poem IMO.

The first two lines are chaff and must go; they come off as melodramatic preamble, and the first line is confusing, with it's start on "And": and it's time for /what/? I know you probably meant for the fat lady to sing, but it's the weakest line in the poem: You have a tick, tick, image per line for much of the poem; here, let's look a couple and compare:

"people at my funeral merely humming"

"a white haired preacher with a thin baton"

"And it’s time, I would like"

Do you see what I mean? And I think you should probably change the title anyway (cliche, and i don't see any fat ladies anywhere in the poem.) but even if you didn't, let's compare these:

"And it’s time, I would like"

"something elegant, like Chopin"


Which line is better? Let's try looking at something like this for comparison:


"When the Fat Lady Sings
And it’s time, I would like/
..."

"When the Fat Lady Sings
(something elegant like Chopin)
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming"


Anyway, I still think the title should probably go, but this would at least be an interest twist on the cliche (I bet no one's ever thought of the fat lady singing to chopin!), and I just wanted to demonstrate the disparity in the quality of the opening line and the rest of the poem.

The second stanza is excellent. "And" is a thousand times better that "plus" in the Jesus Line though, unless you want your readers to break out a calculator to try and figure out what the sum of "white haired preacher"+"Jesus Christ" /is/!


Also, and I loath to mention it, it could be punctuated a lot better were it not for the fact that you are compensating for not have a period button by using almost every other form of punctuation on your keyboard.


Thanks for posting.
[/quote

Watch a Bugs Bunny cartoon called "What's Opera, Doc?"....and my title, which stays, might make more sense to you. Thanks for your critique. Like I said in a different thread, I consider all comments. Some more than others. Ones solely connected to "I think...." not so much.