12-06-2013, 11:35 PM
Hi,
I found the 6th line, where you inject yourself into the poem, to be rather off-putting and confusing. "We equal, yet I find you more than me everywhere...." doesn't make sense to me. The turning line, "only and always to fall, rolling down the hill" is effective and strong. In line 14 I might say "forgotten and left to rot" rather than "forgot and left to rot". In line 16 - 19 the punctuation can use some work - I read it as "picked and open skin", though I am sure that is not what you mean.
The last few lines - "never mind the world or the hope it beholds your fire......" does this mean "hoping it beholds your fire?"
I would find a replacement word for "dysmorphic", as to me it doesn't fit here. Dysmorphia implies malformation, either genetic or psychosomatic, not body changes due to time taking its course. Maybe something as simple as "and the aging body turns"? You can probably think of something better.
All that having been said, the theme of aging and loss is a common yet significant one that all readers can identify with, and your message is clear. Thanks for the read!
I found the 6th line, where you inject yourself into the poem, to be rather off-putting and confusing. "We equal, yet I find you more than me everywhere...." doesn't make sense to me. The turning line, "only and always to fall, rolling down the hill" is effective and strong. In line 14 I might say "forgotten and left to rot" rather than "forgot and left to rot". In line 16 - 19 the punctuation can use some work - I read it as "picked and open skin", though I am sure that is not what you mean.
The last few lines - "never mind the world or the hope it beholds your fire......" does this mean "hoping it beholds your fire?"
I would find a replacement word for "dysmorphic", as to me it doesn't fit here. Dysmorphia implies malformation, either genetic or psychosomatic, not body changes due to time taking its course. Maybe something as simple as "and the aging body turns"? You can probably think of something better.
All that having been said, the theme of aging and loss is a common yet significant one that all readers can identify with, and your message is clear. Thanks for the read!