Struck By Lightning

[tectak]

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding. The repeat of "here" does nothing of merit...you have no meter and so it seems pseudo-poetic to use the device
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark. The "it" word is weak and made weaker in mysterious intent by using the conditionality of "yet". You should only use "yet" as contra...as eg "hers was a beautiful face YET she hid in the shadows". The whole stanza, loosely defined, is riddled with simplistic cliches. Try to redefine your terminology.

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons." Who said that? Who said that? The device does NOT work. Better to designate the narrator here. It is just a floating, detached piece of piffle without doing so. I can see the cliches coming.

Into the abyss huge cliche I run, until beams of light enormous cliche pierce the veil of shadows.humungous REPEAT cliche. veil, veil What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? I am afraid to say this is now tedious and I really don't give a damn. It is the repetition that stultifies. Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? Who cares? And stop asking me questions. You must try to raise the curiosity level higher than you did, an unseen face is just not enough imagery, before you use this inquisitorial device. What is it that I search for in the world with no answer? Syntax broken. What or who has no answer? Elephant in pyjamas howler.

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek. dreadfully contrived and predictable ending which probably sums the whole thing up nicely

Hi,
There is much to do. Even as prose (it is no where near rich enough in poetic devices to be anything else) it is weak and watery. You may wish to be enigmatic but fail to inject the vital element...curiosity. There is just not enough of anything to keep this reader interested...in fact, to be kind, it has a sort of deja vu about it that makes it mundane.
To rescue the piece, try to make at least a token attempt to introduce SOMETHING poetic into the body text...rhythm, meter, flow, rhyme, metaphor, imagery,,,at which point you may well discover the core of the piece. You have then a condensate. No repeated words (veil of this and that), no cliches (into the abyss is a bloody movie for pete's sake) and no padding (as I finally reach? Huh? I didn't even know you were on the blunder bus) .
Thanks for posting. I am not sure the concept is worthy of the edit BUT I would LOVE to be wrong. Give it a go.
I have moved this to mild where you may get more acceptable crit. How you respond determines where this piece ends up.
Best,
tectak

Thank you very much for your candor. You obviously feel quite strongly about poetry. It was nice of you to take the time to leave me your thoughts.
The poem itself was merely inspired by something I felt at the moment. I am sorry that it was below the caliber you consider poetic. I, however, had a lot of fun writing it, and am glad that I was able to read such impassioned commentary. Thanks again
Hi simatong,
It is not "below my standard". You posted it, though in the SERIOUS WORKSHOPPING FORUM..by implication, then , you wish to have it constructively mauled. That is what the workshopping forum is for. Read the rules.
By listening to others (better, worse and equal)and by commenting on THEIR work, you will begin to develop some idea of what poetry should mean to the widest possible slice of readers. If you only posted this piece to have the awsesome wowsers emetically eulogise over it then this is not the place to post it. We all try to improve...it is in the nature of the human psyche...and yes, I am serious about my comments on poetry but am long enough in the tooth NOT to be serious about poetry...it is far too subjective to pontificate on.
Best,
tectak