12-06-2013, 05:51 PM
(12-06-2013, 02:10 PM)Simatong Wrote: Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding. The repeat of "here" does nothing of merit...you have no meter and so it seems pseudo-poetic to use the device
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark. The "it" word is weak and made weaker in mysterious intent by using the conditionality of "yet". You should only use "yet" as contra...as eg "hers was a beautiful face YET she hid in the shadows". The whole stanza, loosely defined, is riddled with simplistic cliches. Try to redefine your terminology.
"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons." Who said that? Who said that? The device does NOT work. Better to designate the narrator here. It is just a floating, detached piece of piffle without doing so. I can see the cliches coming.
Into the abyss huge cliche I run, until beams of light enormous cliche pierce the veil of shadows.humungous REPEAT cliche. veil, veil What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? I am afraid to say this is now tedious and I really don't give a damn. It is the repetition that stultifies. Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? Who cares? And stop asking me questions. You must try to raise the curiosity level higher than you did, an unseen face is just not enough imagery, before you use this inquisitorial device. What is it that I search for in the world with no answer? Syntax broken. What or who has no answer? Elephant in pyjamas howler.
As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek. dreadfully contrived and predictable ending which probably sums the whole thing up nicely
Hi,
There is much to do. Even as prose (it is no where near rich enough in poetic devices to be anything else) it is weak and watery. You may wish to be enigmatic but fail to inject the vital element...curiosity. There is just not enough of anything to keep this reader interested...in fact, to be kind, it has a sort of deja vu about it that makes it mundane.
To rescue the piece, try to make at least a token attempt to introduce SOMETHING poetic into the body text...rhythm, meter, flow, rhyme, metaphor, imagery,,,at which point you may well discover the core of the piece. You have then a condensate. No repeated words (veil of this and that), no cliches (into the abyss is a bloody movie for pete's sake) and no padding (as I finally reach? Huh? I didn't even know you were on the blunder bus) .
Thanks for posting. I am not sure the concept is worthy of the edit BUT I would LOVE to be wrong. Give it a go.
I have moved this to mild where you may get more acceptable crit. How you respond determines where this piece ends up.
Best,
tectak