12-06-2013, 10:39 AM
Hi lucent,
I like many of these lines - "nonchalant pucker of lips", "suckling of ash", "screaming rigid vengeance", "fade in calm disquiet".
My problem is that I cannot understand what you are trying to say. My thought would be to get clearly in mind what you want to get across to the reader, and then keep that in mind as you reframe the poem. My (very limited) experience is that I know clearly what I am meaning to say, but I do not clearly communicate that to others - even though it seems apparent to me. Give it another try and let us look at the edit. Best, Linda
I like many of these lines - "nonchalant pucker of lips", "suckling of ash", "screaming rigid vengeance", "fade in calm disquiet".
My problem is that I cannot understand what you are trying to say. My thought would be to get clearly in mind what you want to get across to the reader, and then keep that in mind as you reframe the poem. My (very limited) experience is that I know clearly what I am meaning to say, but I do not clearly communicate that to others - even though it seems apparent to me. Give it another try and let us look at the edit. Best, Linda