When the Fat Lady Sings

[Truerenigma]

And it’s time, I would like
music to murder me—
something elegant, like Chopin—
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming ,
or worse, tapping a scuffed shoe
to a wordless tune of a life

I’d rather die with a soft song
in my head: something with violins—
like cricket legs rubbing together
on the first frost of October—
a white haired preacher with a thin baton,
plus Jesus Christ himself at the back door,
making sure no one leaves early

hello again,

There are some things about this poem that I find enjoyable:

The idea of someone writing lyrics to Chopin for their own funeral is completely new to me, thus it interests me.

I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming..

I like the image here, and it kind of juxtaposes against reality for me; when you go to a funeral there is usually some level of grief involved, and you wouldn't be thinking about whether people are humming, or singing along, or tapping their shoe(!)— these are things (details) no one really thinks about, which makes them good for a poem IMO.

The first two lines are chaff and must go; they come off as melodramatic preamble, and the first line is confusing, with it's start on "And": and it's time for /what/? I know you probably meant for the fat lady to sing, but it's the weakest line in the poem: You have a tick, tick, image per line for much of the poem; here, let's look a couple and compare:

"people at my funeral merely humming"

"a white haired preacher with a thin baton"

"And it’s time, I would like"

Do you see what I mean? And I think you should probably change the title anyway (cliche, and i don't see any fat ladies anywhere in the poem.) but even if you didn't, let's compare these:

"And it’s time, I would like"

"something elegant, like Chopin"


Which line is better? Let's try looking at something like this for comparison:


"When the Fat Lady Sings
And it’s time, I would like/
..."

"When the Fat Lady Sings
(something elegant like Chopin)
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming"


Anyway, I still think the title should probably go, but this would at least be an interest twist on the cliche (I bet no one's ever thought of the fat lady singing to chopin!), and I just wanted to demonstrate the disparity in the quality of the opening line and the rest of the poem.

The second stanza is excellent. "And" is a thousand times better that "plus" in the Jesus Line though, unless you want your readers to break out a calculator to try and figure out what the sum of "white haired preacher"+"Jesus Christ" /is/!


Also, and I loath to mention it, it could be punctuated a lot better were it not for the fact that you are compensating for not have a period button by using almost every other form of punctuation on your keyboard.


Thanks for posting.