I like your changes but I need speak in the first line, How about:
The blood upon the ground will speak
of deed and Mark, death of the meek,
the ember that ignites in pique,
by redcap’s teeth,
by vampire’s thirst, and banshee’s shriek:
a knife unsheathed.
(did I screw up line 2?)
The blood upon the ground will speak
of deed and Mark, death of the meek,
the ember that ignites in pique,
by redcap’s teeth,
by vampire’s thirst, and banshee’s shriek:
a knife unsheathed.
(did I screw up line 2?)
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson