Need an opinion on the older poetic forms

[milo]

Good things guys, I may try something with quatrains and tercets.

I realize not a critique forum, and I realize I took some liberties for content. Does this possibly work:

The blood upon the ground will speak
of deed and Mark and thus critique
the ember that ignites in pique,
by redcap’s teeth,
by vampire’s thirst, and banshee’s shriek:
a knife unsheathed.

critique doesn't work, maybe:

The blood upon the ground, a streak
of deed and Mark the ancient speak
the ember that ignites in pique,
by redcap’s teeth,
by vampire’s thirst, and banshee’s shriek:
a knife unsheathed.