12-02-2013, 11:19 PM
RE:Beneath the ShadowFall Edit 1. true, beaufort
Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.
Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.
Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue! (Is the exclamation point necessary?)
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again! (seems like this one is the most important Tek but my real question is how can you put more tension on the UP Up This is something that vexes me grammatically because in my mind those two words seem to have the most weight on them. The image of someone struggling to raise the flag that you speak of. Up! Up! Not sure what the answer is but i'm sure you will know.)
Don't gaze up to the crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.
We cry our tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall, (amazing line)
the nearer to new coming life. (nearer is a clunky word to me sorry. Especially when you have that awesome line above it. I think you can do better? God i can't believe i just said that, but overall I admire your work here.
Chazz
Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.
Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.
Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue! (Is the exclamation point necessary?)
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again! (seems like this one is the most important Tek but my real question is how can you put more tension on the UP Up This is something that vexes me grammatically because in my mind those two words seem to have the most weight on them. The image of someone struggling to raise the flag that you speak of. Up! Up! Not sure what the answer is but i'm sure you will know.)
Don't gaze up to the crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the sky
that brings such ache to autumned eyes.
We cry our tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall, (amazing line)
the nearer to new coming life. (nearer is a clunky word to me sorry. Especially when you have that awesome line above it. I think you can do better? God i can't believe i just said that, but overall I admire your work here.
Chazz