Boardwalks (edit #4.1)

[ellajam]

edit #2 (milo, trueenigma, lance)


Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts, now shuttered.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.





edit #1 (thank you Chris, Brendan, milo, chazz, true)

Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats. Conjure
the gleam of bicycles ridden
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,
paw mallets on tympanic boards
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


Original

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

You already know my feeling toward end marks ( I'd get rid of all of them. Same with the "the's"…personal choice. If you write your poems for your voice and you need the "the's" to help your cadence…keep 'em. If not, get rid of the unnecessary ones. As far as the poem, I'm missing the concrete. So much of this is abstract. I get no sense of place. I like it, but I get no sense of place. This could be anywhere and I so want it to be somewhere.

Hi, 71, thanks for your notes. First, the periods, I think they would have suited your poem, and I think they suit this one.

The "the"s, I have to step away from the poem, or maybe listen to it both ways to decide. i'm still on the fence there.

I understand just what you mean about location solidifying the piece. It's true that it could apply to any post-flood town, float around the world and land anywhere. Right now I like that, but I will certainly think about whether or not the poem suffers by not being tied down.

---

We're getting there. Maybe a comma after slats in S1, and also after bicycles, before pedaled?

Thanks, Tru, I removed the comma after slats when I added the and after it, so I'm unsure there, but the comma after bicycles I have never considered. I think it may be my answer to the difference between what I hear and what other readers hear.

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles, pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

hhmmm, maybe, or maybe something else has to change too.
I'll have to think on it.
Thanks so much for your time and ideas, greatly appreciated.