Beneath the Shadow Fall

[Truerenigma]

Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes an elixir the sonics are off in elixer. I'm not sure if it's to the detriment of the poem or not, but pronouncing it to fit the meter would be extremely awkward.
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
a trillion tendrilled, pallid threads. A trillion feels too handy next to tendrilled. If you said a million, I'd say it's a lot but okay. If you said a billion, I'd say it's a bit much but I can buy it, I guess you mean there a really a lot of threads. A trillion? hmmm..why a trillion? oh.. it starts with a "t".

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue! Joyful blush of verdant hue sounds like faux-archaic-poeticism
From out of locked life-sentence, freed!
Up, up to raise the flags again.

So gaze upon the crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the ache
which winter skies bring autumned eyes.

We cry the tears to beg for time The definite article before tears seems unneeded and feels like metrical padding.
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall
the nearer to new coming life.

tectak
Drumlanrig 2013

The locations in which you write your poems are far more interesting than where I write mine. Give me those ancient stone walls anyday.

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Oh, it goes without saying I like the rest, yeah? Otherwise I would have said something. The metaphor and concept is... well...worthy of a poem.