Boardwalks (edit #4.1)

[71degrees]

edit #2 (milo, trueenigma, lance)


Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts, now shuttered.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.





edit #1 (thank you Chris, Brendan, milo, chazz, true)

Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats. Conjure
the gleam of bicycles ridden
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,
paw mallets on tympanic boards
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


Original

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

You already know my feeling toward end marks ( I'd get rid of all of them. Same with the "the's"…personal choice. If you write your poems for your voice and you need the "the's" to help your cadence…keep 'em. If not, get rid of the unnecessary ones. As far as the poem, I'm missing the concrete. So much of this is abstract. I get no sense of place. I like it, but I get no sense of place. This could be anywhere and I so want it to be somewhere.