Beneath the Shadow Fall

[tectak]

Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes an elixir to my ear, "elixir" is a bit off-putting. How about "when breath becomes the alchemy" ?
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
a trillion tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue! joyful...thanks beaufort
From out of locked life-sentence, freed! "Released from locked life-sentence, freed!"
Up, up to raise the flags again.

So gaze upon the crimson crowns I really like the way this sounds
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the ache "no shade of blue describes the ache"
which winter skies bring autumned eyes. I would use "that" instead of "which", though realize that you use "that" in L2 of the last stanza

We cry the tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight; if you change "which" to "that" in the previous stanza, could write "the misting distance brings to sight"'
best look beneath the shadow-fall
the nearer to new coming life. "the" doesn't seem to fit here - "draws nearer to new coming life" ?


These are my thoughts. I find this to be emotionally engaging and quite lovely. The changes I suggested resulted from reading the poem aloud - hope they might be helpful. I am a bit intimidated to "critique" this but so be it. Great stuff. Thanks.
tectak
Drumlanrig 2013

Thank you beaufort, for your perception. I eat everything the crits offer up to me. Your points will be addressed as far as I am able (and willing) in an imminent edit. For the time being I will let it stew to see if there is a developing consensus. Some meaningful expressions, to me, are probably too obscure and will need clarification if not eradication. I do not think I have made the Scottish version any clearer but it was a whole lot more fun to write!
There is only one holding point re. "from out of..." instead of "released from...". I want to emphasise the FABRICATION of new life OUT of old rather than the ESCAPE...though as you noted the use of "free" rather implies the breaking out of confinement. It is a moot point.
Best,
tectak