Beneath the Shadow Fall

[beaufort]

Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes an elixir to my ear, "elixir" is a bit off-putting. How about "when breath becomes the alchemy" ?
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
a trillion tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyfull blush of verdant hue! joyful
From out of locked life-sentence, freed! "Released from locked life-sentence, freed!"
Up, up to raise the flags again.

So gaze upon the crimson crowns I really like the way this sounds
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the ache "no shade of blue describes the ache"
which winter skies bring autumned eyes. I would use "that" instead of "which", though realize that you use "that" in L2 of the last stanza

We cry the tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight; if you change "which" to "that" in the previous stanza, could write "the misting distance brings to sight"'
best look beneath the shadow-fall
the nearer to new coming life. "the" doesn't seem to fit here - "draws nearer to new coming life" ?


These are my thoughts. I find this to be emotionally engaging and quite lovely. The changes I suggested resulted from reading the poem aloud - hope they might be helpful. I am a bit intimidated to "critique" this but so be it. Great stuff. Thanks.
tectak
Drumlanrig 2013