At the Cabaret - revised

[tectak]

“Darling, be an angel, pass me a cigarette”,
she says, thinking angels gracious creatures
smoothing pains like children’s well-worn blankets
(how creases fold around our fearful eyes
and morbid yearnings burrow in our skin).
The nonchalant pucker of lips to flame nonchalant pucker?
the suckling of ash, erotic exhalations Suckling?
which fade in calm disquiet to a pleasant Calm disquiet?
haze. Weren’t we told that angels
should appease? They do not. They come
screaming rigid vengeance while you lie rigid vengeance?
stretched over your bed between rigorousrigorous days
days which fray to inebriated evening
horrors; come roaring quaint flirtations quaint flirtations
divinities???????
divinities, though we only wished
to float into the night: drunk
as the birds who have gorged on fruit, devastated devastated?
by a window.

Hello lucent,
I am sorry to see this languishing as you have offered up crit to several others...sometimes excellent poetry frightens off the less confident and that is a shame...though why this piece has been avoided may be for a different reason...it is, frankly, close to indecipherible.
Obscurity is a fine ally but a hateful enemy...in this piece, obscurity has usurped your poetic prowess and is now master of misnomer and melodrama.
A line by line would not be helpful and so I have given it Perhaps if you read the piece out loud to a passing stranger and asked for an opinion, what you would get would be as valid as the piece is viable. There is no containing vessel and so the thing is shapeless and lumpy.
My only suggestion is to look at the structure of the thing and replace the jelly with a backbone...from that point on the draping of the flesh may be easier. "roaring quaint flirtations divinities," means absolutely nothing to me.
Best,
tectak