Boardwalks (edit #4.1)

[Truerenigma]

edit #1 (thank you Chris, Brendan, milo, chazz, true)

Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats. Conjure I'm not sure about conjure, it seems to be asking the reader a bit much.
the gleam of bicycles ridden bicycles ridden? hmm.. bicycles ridden is painful, bicycles being ridden? ridden bicycles? It would be much easier if we had Subject(s)+verb(ride/or pedal)+object(bicycles). I have no complaints about the rest of the stanza.
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,
paw mallets on tympanic boards
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed ! nice
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts (now shuttered) behind. This line bothers me. I don't like "behind" at the end of a line just on principal, but after the parenthetical clause is even worse for me, I almost don't remember what behind is describing, and what is it behind? I suppose it's "them", but it just doesn't read very well, like ..uh..now shuttered behind?

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.

The final stanza is wonderful. Salt worn memories on the shoreline. Love it.


Original

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

I think it's getting close to finished. You've got some interesting stuff going on here with your line breaks, it gave me some things to think about along the way.