11-30-2013, 12:51 PM
I'm new here, and far prefer your original version. I go by Keats' idea that truth is beauty: your first version seems entirely truthful to me.
There are minor changes I'd suggest, which I'll illustrate below. Of greatest import I'd 86 that final line because it's pure schmaltz.
Were I your trusted collaborator, here's how I'd edit your first version:
If you live in tornado alley you learn quickly storm
sirens aren't something one should take lightly. So
when the twister touched down in Greensburg, Bobby
and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar beneath
the floorboards of their home, with enough food and water
to last about a week. They huddled in the dark and consoled
one another, while everything above rushed away in the wind.
At dawn in the silence of dead roosters and cattle, Bobby and
Joan joined their neighbors to mourn in the rubble. The town,
now an atomized prairie, said nothing.
***
I think your poem is a great naturalistic accomplishment. Congratulations!
Lance
There are minor changes I'd suggest, which I'll illustrate below. Of greatest import I'd 86 that final line because it's pure schmaltz.
Were I your trusted collaborator, here's how I'd edit your first version:
If you live in tornado alley you learn quickly storm
sirens aren't something one should take lightly. So
when the twister touched down in Greensburg, Bobby
and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar beneath
the floorboards of their home, with enough food and water
to last about a week. They huddled in the dark and consoled
one another, while everything above rushed away in the wind.
At dawn in the silence of dead roosters and cattle, Bobby and
Joan joined their neighbors to mourn in the rubble. The town,
now an atomized prairie, said nothing.
***
I think your poem is a great naturalistic accomplishment. Congratulations!
Lance