11-30-2013, 02:53 AM
Hi Chazz, like rowens I agree this is an improvement but some things don't sit well with me.
For twenty-two miles it whirled like a top,
its colors a drab vortex of terra firma and metal. <-- this is a mouthful when read aloud
Steady on its needle, louder than a stampede of cattle, <-- "louder" is a bit lame, maybe something along the lines of "rumbling like a..." (also meh, but you get the idea)
the landscape in its wake a dismal panorama. <-- dismal I like but panorama just makes me think of... Fujifilm. ;p Plus it's a mouthful again.
Oh and I like "it" better than "she". It's less... obvious? in-your-face? apparent? Maybe you can see what I mean even though I can't say it myself. ;p Anyway I never thought of tornadoes as girls anyway. ;D
Keep at it!
-justcloudy
For twenty-two miles it whirled like a top,
its colors a drab vortex of terra firma and metal. <-- this is a mouthful when read aloud
Steady on its needle, louder than a stampede of cattle, <-- "louder" is a bit lame, maybe something along the lines of "rumbling like a..." (also meh, but you get the idea)
the landscape in its wake a dismal panorama. <-- dismal I like but panorama just makes me think of... Fujifilm. ;p Plus it's a mouthful again.
Oh and I like "it" better than "she". It's less... obvious? in-your-face? apparent? Maybe you can see what I mean even though I can't say it myself. ;p Anyway I never thought of tornadoes as girls anyway. ;D
Keep at it!
-justcloudy
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.