11-30-2013, 02:37 AM
There wasn't anything wrong with the she or her, just that they dominated every line. Now IT dominates every line. There was nothing wrong with the idea of the tornado sounding like a train, just that you could use it in a different way, you could expand on the idea.
Even if you used it/its or she/her in every line, you could carry a consistent set of images. The words are more colorful than in the original poem, but the comparisons seem arbitrary. It's not too bad, but it would be more effective if things felt more unified.
Even if you used it/its or she/her in every line, you could carry a consistent set of images. The words are more colorful than in the original poem, but the comparisons seem arbitrary. It's not too bad, but it would be more effective if things felt more unified.