11-30-2013, 12:17 AM
Hi, I'm new to the Group. Your first stanza is strong, but the poem unfortunately recedes from that point.
See how the stanzas get smaller as we move downward through the poem? This indicates a voice reaching for something to say beyond the initial thought. It's a dwindling voice, rather than one which strengthens as it moves forward.
Ultimately, we want our final stanza to be our strongest stanza, and the last line of our poem to be the most memorable.
None of this is easy, and I wish I had words to explain how it's done. Basically, we don't want to slide into a valley with our poetry. Rather, we want to climb and climb upward until we reach a peak, where we stand proud in our accomplishment.
Unless I'm correcting grammar, a general critique such as this one is not so much about what you've posted, but about what you (and I) will write next.
So take the strength of your first stanza here and let that voice expand and grow stronger right through to the end of your next poem.
Best,
Lance
See how the stanzas get smaller as we move downward through the poem? This indicates a voice reaching for something to say beyond the initial thought. It's a dwindling voice, rather than one which strengthens as it moves forward.
Ultimately, we want our final stanza to be our strongest stanza, and the last line of our poem to be the most memorable.
None of this is easy, and I wish I had words to explain how it's done. Basically, we don't want to slide into a valley with our poetry. Rather, we want to climb and climb upward until we reach a peak, where we stand proud in our accomplishment.
Unless I'm correcting grammar, a general critique such as this one is not so much about what you've posted, but about what you (and I) will write next.
So take the strength of your first stanza here and let that voice expand and grow stronger right through to the end of your next poem.
Best,
Lance